Victor has recently started a business. He believes the future success of his business lies in having a great team and wants to build an environment where communication and friendliness among staff is highly encouraged.

To ensure his ideals are in-line with his managerial actions, he has started coaching with you to work on his communication skills and to learn strategies which could be used to motivate his staff. For this purpose, he has made a list of questions which he would like your help answering - with the first question being: “How can I be more honest with my feedback to my employees without hurting their feelings and having them not like me?”

As the coach, what can you suggest to this client? Zahava Starak, LCI Master Coach, answers…

It is normal that a client posing this question is be looking for a way out of a ’sticky’ situation - as the giving and receiving of feedback is often laden with problems - and in fact it may be impossible to have a ‘win-win’ situation in which both the receiver and giver of the feedback are fully satisfied.

In your role of coach you can inform your client that you can work together to find strategies and learn communication skills that will enhance their performance in offering feedback but your client still needs to know up front that there are no guarantees on how their feedback will be received. 

For an optimum outcome you can approach this problem by initially exploring your client’s personal value system and consider what role communication plays in it. By the nature of your client’s concerns it may be assumed that they place high value on communication skills.

However rather than make this assumption you can provide your client with a list of commonly held values and have them pick ten and then rank them in importance. The discussion that follows will either validate your client’s awareness of their need for effective communication or it will draw to their attention the omission of this value on their list and can encourage some introspection on how they actually view communication in their life.

The ability to be able to communicate with employees and provide feedback in an appropriate manner is a skill that your client will need to learn and by exploring how they value this skill you’ll be able to gauge your client’s motivation and commitment to change.

At this time you may chose to engage your client in a discussion on the ‘philosophy’ of effective communication with the intention of beginning to introduce them to specific skills.

There are many books available on communication skills and you may benefit from reading the works of researchers and writers such as Carl Rogers, Robert Bolton and Richard Egan who are the predecessors to our 21st century coaches.

Such a background may help you to educate your client on what makes ‘good feedback’. Without complicating the issue you can simply inform your client of some of the core concepts essential to communication such as: genuineness, self-acceptance; respect and empathy.

Having a good intellectual understanding of what makes for effective communication serves as a good background for the more practical. Practical in this case equates to a feedback process which includes a number of steps as follows:

1. Know what you want to say - be sure that your information is accurate and that it needs to be said.
2. Decide where and when you want to offer your feedback.
3. Make sure there are no distractions.
4. State your points clearly and assertively - use appropriate language and avoid inappropriate jargon.
5. Assure that your body language is in sync with your comments.
6. Use the listening skills of paraphrase and summary when responding to others.
7. Ask for Feedback.

With these guidelines in mind your client can now be introduced to specific skills such as the use of XYZ statements; appropriate body language including body posture, pitch, tone of voice, facial expressions, eye contact, breathing, mirroring and the use of silence. You can follow up on the explanation of these skills with a demonstration which can then be discussed for further understanding.

It now may be an appropriate time to learn some more specific details about your client’s situation and through open and closed questions and responding skills you can get a clear picture of what exactly the client wants to say to their employees.

Your client is now ready to put it all together and to practice his new skills both with you and in non-threatening real life situations until they feel confident to address their employees. This may also be an opportunity to congratulate your client on the efforts they have put in so far and to once again remind them that they in the process of offering feedback can only be responsible for their behaviours - not the recipients.

It could happen that your client will not get the response they want and will not be liked as a result of their feedback and so you need to prepare your client for this possibility.

You can remind them of the core concepts of communication which include self acceptance and you can use NLP techniques or cognitive restructuring to reframe their negative thoughts so they view the whole experience as one of learning and enlightenment.

They can be encouraged to

1. Acknowledge they did the best they could.
2. Acknowledge that they survived and coped with the consequences of their feedback.
3. Write down everything they learned from the experience.
4. Thank the giver of the uncomfortable feedback.
5. Refocus on the reason they themselves offered feedback in the first place.
6. If possible clean up any messes that may have been created and perhaps use some conflict resolution skills.
7. Take time to review successes.

At the end of the day we all want to go to bed feeling that despite conflicts and uncomfortable situations we have done the best we can and your client can be outfitted with knowledge and skills to allow for this.

There are a variety of stages within a relationship, where in the initial stages the mixture of emotional excitement brought the couples together, six or sixteen years later the love that has evolved is very different. 

The various stages that transpire within a relationship are quite normal, and are necessary for growth and development. Every relationship has its teething periods, but the problem really isn’t ‘what’ happens, but rather how you handle and deal with those issues.

Conflict is to be expected in every relationship. Everyone has their own belief systems and personal habits which have been learnt from young and some of these may irritate the other person, no matter how much love there is. In healthy relationships, couples are able to settle their differences whether it be by compromising or acceptance. 

For others, where there is no resolution, tension and frustration sets in, causing the couple to become detached within the relationship and leading emotionally distant lives. There is now a relationship breakdown, and at this point a decision needs to be made to either make the relationship work, or to end it.

Finishing a relationship can be very difficult, no matter how right it is for you to do so. It is normally the choice of one person to end a relationship, rather than the couple together, although the decision affects both persons concerned and their immediate family. It is important to truthfully assess whether the situation is so bad within a relationship that there is no other option.

1. Are there possibilities for changes in the relationship?
2. What steps can be taken towards improvement?
3. Are there any advantages in ending the relationship, and if so, what are they?

Developing Problem Solving Skills

When we are having problems in our relationship, we can feel overwhelmed and have difficulty in seeing a way forward. Developing the ability to apply logical, critical, and creative thinking, enables us to find effective solutions. Problem solving is a process that involves a number of steps that you can follow.

• Identify the problem
• Break the problem down into parts - one small step at a time
• Explore the problem - consider a variety of solutions and strategies
• Set a goal - what would you like to achieve?
• Choose a solution and put it into action 
• Evaluate - what went well?
• Evaluate - what could you do differently next time?

Communication

Lack of communication is a common problem and the one that probably needs most attention. One partner or sometimes both simply don’t know how to put into words what they feel. They may have grown up in a family where personal feelings were never shared openly, and so they lack the confidence to be open with their partner for fear of looking silly or being rejected.

Enhancing Communication: When problems arise in relationships, it is often as a result of poor communication. In order to communicate our desires and needs to our partner, we need a healthy sense of our own identity.

A successful relationship is dependent upon there being two individuals with a strong sense of self and clearly defined, healthy, personal boundaries. An appreciation of our own qualities enables us to see and value them in another and increases our capacity for intimacy and commitment.

Increasing our understanding of who we are and how we have developed as well as learning practical skills in communication and problem solving, can lead to more satisfying and harmonious relationships, and to personal fulfillment. There are some basic principles that are worth following if we want to have good communication with our partner.

Be clear about what you want to communicate - if you don’t know, they won’t either

• Use “I” statements, stating what you want or feel rather than making “you” statements about your partner
• Don’t blame or label your partner
• Choose a time when you have their attention and there are no distractions
• Take time to listen to what your partner is saying and resist the temptation to interrupt
• If you are unclear or upset about what they have said, check for accuracy before you respond
• Be encouraging and supportive
• Be willing to negotiate

Unresolved emotional differences: These can put a very firm brake on the development of communication and intimacy in a relationship. Anger, hurt or resentment of one partner by the other, along with a lack of trust or a sense of not being appreciated by their partner, are examples.

Practical difficulties: These can reduce the level of intimacy in some relationships at different times. Examples might be financial concerns, pressures at work, difficulties with children, or just being too busy to really connect with each other.

Childhood experiences: These are often at the root of some people’s difficulty establishing intimacy. A person who has experienced a great deal of hurt as a child will often find it hard as an adult to trust their partner, however much they may be in love.

Examples of childhood pain that affects adult relationships include long-term conflict between parents, physical or sexual abuse, or a loss or death that was never properly accepted and grieved.

Such experiences can lead to a child having poor self-esteem, a basic doubt about whether or not he or she is worthy of love. These doubts can be carried into adulthood, making it very difficult for the person to open up to someone else in case they are rejected and their doubts are confirmed.

Intimacy does not happen by magic. It must be built up over time. This takes some people longer than for others. Often the harder you work at intimacy, the more valuable and rewarding it is. The following are some steps that may help.

• Be positive about what you have in your relationship and let your partner know what you value about him/her and about the relationship. Put it into words, don’t assume they already know. Everybody likes to be told that they are appreciated and loved.
• Create opportunities for intimacy. In other words, times when you can be alone together in a situation where you can focus on each other and on your relationship. The harder it is to do this because of the children, work or other commitments, the more important it is that you do it! Try to plan a regular evening, day or weekend for the two of you to be alone.
• Practise making “I” statements about how you feel. This avoids putting your partner on the spot, and may help him or her do the same. For example “I feel hurt you didn’t ask me before you decided” instead of “Why didn’t you ask me first?”
• After an argument look at the deeper feeling behind the anger, hurt, anxiety, or sense of being let down. Talk to your partner about these feelings.

For some of us, our best efforts are not enough, and our relationship comes to an end. Rebuilding your life after a relationship has ended can be a painful and challenging process.

The end of a relationship can result in disruption to the extent that we need to create a whole new way of life - often with a different place to live and with different relationships with family and friends. Finding our feet in these circumstances can be very difficult indeed.

Not Repeating the Old Patterns

Each of us is unique. We have learned how to be who we are through the particular circumstances of our family, and the society in which we live. Unfortunately, some of our early conditioning may result in us having feelings and behaviours that no longer serve us well, reduce our capacity for spontaneity and individuality, and our ability to relate well. Low self-esteem, poor personal boundaries, difficulties with intimacy, and feelings of shame and guilt impede our capacity to relate.

Letting go of this negative conditioning is possible. We tend to hang on fondly to old patterns of being and relating, fearing change or of being confronted with aspects of our personalities we prefer to keep at the blurry edges of our awareness.

Whilst dipping into the unknown can be anxiety-provoking, it can also be exciting and enlivening, opening up possibilities only previously dreamed of. Consider embarking on a journey toward something better.

© Australian Institute of Professional Counsellors - www.aipc.net.au

A client approaches you with the question below. As the coach, how would you assist this client? Below is a script from Zahava Starak, LCI’s Master Coach. 

What tools and resources should I use to help me become more relaxed and enjoy my life more?

The first word that comes into my mind when I read this question is the word “balanced”. By maintaining a balanced life-style; introducing relaxation strategies and avoiding unhealthy coping mechanisms we can be assured of optimising our ability to cope with the demands of our modern life-style and finding the enjoyment we so desperately want.

Clients who ask this question are usually on that ‘notorious’ treadmill and see the life they want passing them by but don’t know how to stop the machine and go for it!

They are no longer controlling their lives (although they may think so) and are so stressed that they do not know how to relax and enjoy anymore.

Case Study: Joe Charles

A case in point is that of Joe Charles. Joe is a 35 year old married man with 2 boys five and seven years of age. He is a highly sought-after electrician.  His success is largely due to the high standards that he sets for himself and he himself states that “he feels that he is driven by the need to make sure everything is perfect” so that “everyone will praise him for his work”.

Joe owns up that he occasionally subjects his wife and two sons to his perfectionist needs. Besides working he in the past has enjoyed making model planes but has found lately that he has not got the patience for this anymore. Besides that he claims that he has no time for fun as he needs to earn a living to support his family.

Joe’s life is comprised of a 50-hour work week, evenings dedicated to paper work and weekends to chauffeuring his children and visiting various family members. Joe admits that with his wife working part time there is not that much pressure on him to work as hard -but he does not know how to stop. He feels stressed!

Joe has sought coaching as he wants to be more relaxed and start enjoying his life. In this case as Joe’s coach I could venture down any number of paths to help Joe in his quest. I could start by asking Joe what he has done in the past to help him relax and enjoy himself and determine what is stopping him from doing this.

Joe has already told me a little about what he likes to do and about his attitude so I could continue along this line. Or  I could tackle the problem by determining what Joe’s values are and help him see that part of his inability to relax and enjoy is due to an imbalance in the life he is living and the values he holds. I could have Joe then look at creating a vision for the future in which he can live by his values and sets goals to attain his more enjoyable life.

What I would like to do is have at my ready the above strategies but would also like to introduce Joe to the concepts of stress and the need of a balanced life in order to be able to relax and enjoy. My plan is quite simple: If Joe is to have a balanced life we need to see how unbalanced his present life is. Secondly we need to determine what this balanced life will look like and then we can introduce the tools required to achieve this balance.

Click here for more information on stress, stress prevention techniques and exercises…

In this process Joe will hopefully begin to realise that the greatest resource he has to reach his objective is himself and all that he really needs are a few strategies and tools.

Where do I start? In this case I might employ the “wheel of life exercise” to help Joe get a clear picture of the present state of ‘balance’ in his life.

In this exercise Joe is presented with a huge circle representing the wheel of life. The wheel is divided into eight sections each depicting an aspect of life.

They are:

• physical environment;
• career;
• money;
• health;
• friends and family; 
• significant other/romance;
• personal growth;
• fun and recreation. 

Joe is asked to regard the centre of the wheel as zero and the outer end of each spoke as 10. He is then to put a cross on each spoke to represent a mark out of 10 for how satisfied he is with each aspect of his life (0=not satisfied at all and 10= completely satisfied).

Joe is then asked to join the crosses he marked with a curved or straight line. The new perimeter of the circle represents Joe’s Wheel of Life. With the wheel complete, the question is: How bumpy would Joe’s ride be if this were a real wheel?

We can probably answer - very bumpy - but at least Joe now has a visual picture of his life and can take some steps to smooth out the wheel.

It becomes clear to Joe while viewing his wheel that the balance is most missing in the areas of: fun and recreation; health; friends and family, significant others and to a lesser extent in the other aspects.

And it is now possible to take concrete steps to rectify this and determine what for Joe is a balanced life in which stress is controlled and he can relax and enjoy. To begin with we might set specific goals for each section.

We could also introduce another approach. For each aspect of Joe’s life that is out of balance we can determine what specific changes he can make. For Joe a time map is a perfect start as he can look at his daily and weekly routine, he can prioritise his time and set enough time for the activities that support the goals in each segment of his life.
 
This also prevents activities from spilling over into others and ruining Joe’s ability to concentrate and enjoy the moment he is in.

With goals and time map Joe can determine what he needs to change in each aspect of his life to reach the desired balance. For example, Joe has decided to add more hours to fun and recreation and reduce work hours- or more specifically make his work hours more efficient.

To this end he is learning how to delegate jobs - he is allowing his staff to undertake jobs requiring less expertise thereby freeing himself to do the more challenging jobs and the ones that do require a more perfectionist attitude. As well with the hours gained Joe is setting aside one evening a week to attend a modelling class he has always wanted to attend.

He can now do his paper work during the day and has more evening time for himself and his family. Changes in each aspect of Joe’s life will allow more time for relaxation and fun.

In addition, Joe is beginning to realise that in order to take control of his life and reduce stress he needs to work on his attitude and his belief system in which every thing has to be perfect and there is no room for failure. As long as he holds this view Joe will not be able to relax and let go enough to enjoy himself.

As Joe’s coach I can challenge Joe’s cognitive distortions and work with him to change self-defeating thoughts into more constructive ones. Joe can explore his self talk and learn how to move from negative talk to more positive. This change in attitude will not only relieve Joe of the pressures he puts on himself at work it will allow him to relax more with his two boys and enjoy his family time.

To complete this program we introduce stress management techniques that Joe will readily do. There is no point adding stress.  Joe is clear in that meditation and yoga are not for him. He however sees the merit in learning some relaxation strategies particularly ones he can do when he feels he is becoming stressed.

He is therefore taught two stress exercises. Although Joe is physically active he does sit a lot while doing paper work which he finds stressful. Joe is therefore taught two relaxation exercises to use at work and elsewhere - deep breathing and stretching exercises.

The breathing will allow Joe to put aside conscious stress and focus on relaxation- visualisation exercises can be added to this. The stretching coupled with progressive muscle relaxation will help alleviate the physical effects of stress.

Once Joe begins to see the merits of these exercises he will be encouraged to add them onto his time map as a daily activity to prevent stress

Jacqueline Pidgon is an LCI graduate and coach, who often publishes articles, audios and other learning material on a range of coaching related areas. Below are two insights from Jacqueline which can be of great use in your life.

6 Easy Steps to Break Down a Mountainous Task or Goal

1. Write down what you want to achieve - your goal
2. Establish where you are now
3. Write down the very first thing you need to do to start moving towards the goal
4. Then map out a time line of small milestones - the steps on your path and ACT
5. Review your path and goal
6. Get the help you need to achieve this goal and go for it one step at a time!

Don’t forget to review that you are still heading on the right path for you and celebrate each and every step along the way because remember it’s the journey that is often the most fun. Then before you know it you’ll be there!

7 Steps to Help You Gain More Work/Life Balance in Your Life

1. Group together the different areas in your life such as work, family, relationship, hobbies, health & fitness, personal time etc.
2. Next to each area write down how much effort you apply to each on a scale of 0% - 100% and if not 100% write one point that would make this % increase.
3. Write down the number of hours you spend each week on that area. 
4. See if your life looks in balance to you. 
5. If not, decide on areas that you can reduce time and give to something else and point out those that you are simply being lazy in and could provide more effort.
6. Commit to the points that would increase your effort that you wrote down in point 2
7. Then assess your results, if you’re applying 100% effort in all areas of your life and everything looks in balance then well done! If not, focus on applying more effort to the areas lacking in the next month and watch the results, your satisfaction and enthusiasm grow!

About the author:

JACQUELINE PIGDON is a Life, Business & Spiritual Coach and the co-founding Director of JINA LIFE (www.jinalife.com) a coaching company dedicated to helping you reduce stress, gain work/life balance, find inner fulfilment, direction and purpose!

Jacqueline has worked with many people all around the world and with the help of her expert spiritual team she informs people of EXACTLY what is CAUSING their problems, challenges and negative cycles and patterns in both their personal and professional lives and helps them SOLVE them once and for all!

To get your amazing FREE LIFE RESOURCE PACK to take your first step on getting onto your right path in life GO TO: www.jinalife.com/free.php.
 
Telephone: +61 404 362 379 or
Email: Jacqueline@jinalife.com

A client approaches you with the question below. As the coach, how would you assist this client? Below is a script from Zahava Starak, LCI’s Master Coach.

What can I do to be more confident that taking a new direction in my life is the right thing to do?

A good question for a client to be asking if they are on the verge of making a life change. It is only natural for an individual in such a situation to have second doubts and want a bit more certainty that they are heading in the right direction.

You as coach in this situation, can ask a series of questions questions so both you and the client have a clear picture of this new direction. You can then act as a sounding board upon which your client can voice their concerns and in turn, you can provide feedback with your understanding, enabling your client to hear how another person perceives what they are doing.

What I suggest you do to get the ball rolling is to implement the WDEP acronym which is central to the Reality Approach. The core premise to this approach is the idea that regardless of what has happened in our lives in the past we can choose behaviours that will help us meet our needs more effectively in the future.

This approach helps individuals direct their own live, make more effective choices and develop strength to handle stresses and problems. The procedure below relates to the letters of the acronym WDEP in which:

• W stands for wants and needs and reflects the inner world of wants that are the client desires.
• D stands for Direction and Doing in which the focus is on what the client wants and what they are doing about getting that want fulfilled.
• E stands for evaluation.  Here the client needs to assess whether their current behaviour will get them what they want and so they must evaluate each component of their total behaviour to assess the consequences of their actions.
• And P stands for Planning and Commitment. The client can now explore specific ways to fulfil their wants.

By asking our client the questions relevant to each letter in this acronym, you may be able to validate that the client has isolated an appropriate need to be met, has determined the behaviours to meet this need and has decided on the right strategies to satisfy it.

I would suggest that you begin by asking you client some specific ‘want’ questions such as “What would you be doing if you were living how you wanted to? Do you really want to change your life? And “What do you want that you don’t seem to be getting?” 

To flesh out the answers to these questions, your client can be encouraged to paint a picture of a day in their life when they are living their ideal. They can tell you what they will be doing and how they will be feeling. Who will they be talking to and where will they be. How will they be experiencing any changes and what their intuition tell them about the place they are in.

If at the end of this discussion your client has a smile on their face and has indicated that they have sensed what they want in their entire being - and believe it to be a true reflection of their innermost want - then you have clarity that the direction the client has chosen is the correct one for them.

To build your client’s confidence, it is important to work through the rest of the WDEP acronym and ask the remaining questions. You can now explore what your client is doing to get their want met and pose such questions as:

• “What are you doing about this?”
• “What could you do as your first step?”
• “What would you do if you had unlimited resources?”

These questions will help your client to either acknowledge that they have taken the appropriate steps to reach their objective, or that they need to give more thought to what they could be doing.

This then easily moves unto the next set of questions which aim to determine if what the client is already doing is actually working for them and is realistic to begin with. So you can ask your client upfront “is what you want realistic?”
 
To further evaluate the situation you could continue by asking “is your behaviour working for you?”; and to really get your client thinking ask, “is there a healthy congruence between what you do and what you believe?”

By this time your client most likely will know one way or another whether the direction they have chosen is the right one for them and if so, they can confidently move unto the last stage that of planning and commitment.

Here questions are directed at determining whether your client’s plan is appropriate and helpful and how willing is the client to do what it takes to reach their goal.

Chances are that if you were to ask your client to rate their level of commitment on a scale where 0 was no commitment and 10 was yes - I’m going for it - you client would say 10.

If along the way, while using the WDEP process, it has become evident that your client has been right to have doubts; you can now use the answers to the questions to find the client’s true direction.

But if this is not the case then with your client confident and committed you can take steps to action their goals. To build up your client’s confidence even further you can assure them that together you will be exploring any obstacles that stand in their way of goal attainment and therefore may be creating fragments of doubt in their mind.

It is not a bad thing for a client to have doubts when approaching a new direction and challenge in their life - and it is certainly exciting and exhilarating when a double check has resulted in the “right” way forward.