A coaching client approaches you with the following question: “How can I become the best partner possible?” As his coach, what would you suggest? Zahava Starak, LCI Master Coach, answers…
 
We will be addressing this question on the assumption that ‘partner’ in this question refers to the partner in a ‘couple relationship’.
 
Upon hearing this request the coach would initially be on alert as to the motivation behind this desire, as before working with this client the coach would need to briefly discuss the client’s relationship and ascertain if there are any serious problems that will need specialist attention.
 
An individual may want to become the best partner possible out of a fear that if they don’t they will lose their partner, or they may have an exaggerated dependence on their partner and are so completely enmeshed in the other person’s identity that they no longer have a self. If this is the case then it is the coach’s ethical responsibility to inform the client that they may require the specialist services of a relationship counsellor.
 
This not being the case and the client wanting to enrich what is already a healthy and well functioning relationship, then the coach can applaud this objective and begin the journey.
 
A Reality Check may be the starting point. And it would be beneficial to determine at what stage in their partnership the client is at and what is happening for them at this stage. Relationships go through developmental stages and there are challenges and opportunities at each stage.
 
These stages wear different labels but they basically are: the initial idealistic stage covering the first two years - often referred to in marriages as the honeymoon stage; the realistic stage – covering the 3rd through the 10th year – in which the task is to hang unto the relationship after reality strikes; the comfortable stage – covering the 11th through to the 25th years – in which the task is to maintain an individual identity along with a couple identity; the renewing stage- covering the 26th year to the 35th year in which the task is to rediscover intimacy after years of wear and tear; and the transcendent stage - the years thereafter in which the relationship transcends the tasks of the previous stages.
 
Most individuals seeking to improve their relationship will likely fall into one of the first three stages, and this can be explained to the client.
 
To continue the reality check the coach needs to determine the current state of the client’s relationship and what they feel they need to enhance in this relationship. Questions such as: “If you were the person that you wanted to be in this relationship, what kind of person would you be?” “Is there something missing in your relationship?” “What are you doing now to be the best partner possible?” What is stopping you from doing what you say you want to do?” “What do you see for yourself in this relationship now and in the future?” are the way forward.
 
These types of reality-based questions can start the client thinking about what it means to be a ‘better partner’ and how they can attain this objective.
 
The discussion so far serves as a background and the coach is now ready to introduce some more directive steps to help the client become the best partner possible. They could start by implementing a creative exercise in which the client produces (on paper) an image of themselves as the ideal partner.
 
This image can be represented in words, colours, a flowchart, a diagram or glued pictures and/or words cut from magazines or newspapers. Often clients are hesitant to draw as they are embarrassed by their lack of artistic skills - so cutting and gluing can be the answer.
 
This activity can take a while and often clients welcome the opportunity to continue the exercise at home. The end result becomes the starting point for verbalizing what this ideal partner looks like.
 
The visual depiction can lead into a discussion and such questions as “in this ideal picture what does the daily routine look like? If there are children what are your responsibilities? How do you relate to your extended family and your partner’s extended family? Are there any problems around finances? Is there fun in this relationship? How do you relax with your partner? And how is intimacy shared?” can add additional details to this picture.
 
For each aspect of the client’s relationship it becomes evident that there are certain criteria that have to be met and these are now systematically listed so as to become the client’s vision.
 
Now knowing what the client wants to happen the obvious step is to set goals. Before this however the coach may ask the client to undertake another activity to determine their values. The client is provided with a list of values from which they tick those that are important to them and then rate these values so that they have a list of their top five.
 
It is interesting to see what these values are and if the client’s vision supports these values. If not, then a new discussion explores the client’s reality once again. If values and vision are not in sync then the client works against themselves not only in their relationship but also in every avenue of their life.
 
Once there is a synchronicity between values and vision the client now begins translating the criteria necessary for them to become the best partner possible into goals. When looking at something as intimate as an interpersonal relationship it may sound a bit mechanical to work on goals, but if these goals are looked upon as practical steps to achieve the ‘Big Picture’ – an enriched relationship – this process is softened.
 
Goals are now set to fulfil all the needs listed and various strategies are introduced to help the client reach these goals. For example, if a goal is set for the client to undertake more chores in the daily routine then a time map may be implemented to help the client prioritise their time to allow this to happen.
 
If the client tends to have difficulties in maintaining a budget and thereby puts financial stress on the relationship then budgeting skills can be learned. If there are children and the client’s relationship is strained due to differences in parenting skills these skills can be taught along with basic communication skills and problem solving.
 
If the client wants to enjoy more quality time with their partner common interests can be discussed and introduced or reintroduced to the relationship. And if the client wants to bring the levels of intimacy to a higher level spiritual beliefs and ideologies can be explored.
 
The client has now taken the first steps towards becoming the best partner possible. As the client begins to feel the benefits of the changes they are introducing they will be motivated to continue this journey. For not only will they be enriching their relationship they will be enriching themselves as individuals.
 
Additional Reading:

• The Meaning of Intimacy
• Languages of Love
• Three Steps For Better Verbal Intimacy
• 7 Ways to Improve Intimacy in Your Relationship
• Romance, Intimacy and Conflict
• How Healthy Intimacy is Developed

Experience and the literature inform us that transitions or changes in life are inevitable. Life Coaches need to convey that message to all clients who experience difficulties and clearly explain them that people can fight changes, flee from them or preferably accept that they need to prepare for and adapt to the changes in some way.
 
It is certainly important to have confidence in being able to plan for and adapt to change, by having skills and knowledge that one knows will work, by building resilience and the emotional strength to problem solve and make decisions.
 
Coaches can work with clients to help them becoming proactive rather than reactive to change. It means that the clients are in charge, by creating and welcoming a change, not becoming a victim of transition.  Here are some tips how to help clients cope with change:
 
Anticipation of change – identifying factors leading to change and planning for change requires flexibility of mind, not rigidity. Davey (1992, cited in Dadds, Seinen, Roth & Harnett’s, 2000, 15) stated: “Outcome expectancy models of anxiety postulate that humans develop an expectation of outcome based on a variety of sources of information and existing beliefs.

Hence, existing beliefs in highly anxious persons tend to lead to an overestimation of threat and an underestimation of coping resources.” Having a clearer informed knowledge of change and what it may really entail can help to prevent exaggeration of the nature and consequences of change or transition.
 
Maintenance of friendships and social networks – to maintain or develop new interests and activities will stop your clients from stagnating. They might accept new challenges armed with confidence, skills and knowledge.
 
Physical and emotional health care – The strength of body and mind is necessary to meet the challenges involved in change or transition. Regular exercise, a good balanced and nutritious diet, quality sleep and relaxation and limiting stimulates like alcohol, coffee and other substances will help a person to feel energised and able to cope with stress.
 
Use of relaxation techniques – since stress is a natural part of life and adapting to change is stressful, learning how to relax a body and mind can be helpful. Activities such as yoga, tai chi, qigong (Lin, 2000), listening to relaxing music or relaxation tapes (from local bookstores or libraries), going for a bush walk or a walk along the beach, meditation, developing breathing techniques for relaxation and so on are some ways in which to cope with stress and restore harmony and balance.
 
Keeping an open mind – It is about staying objective and avoid jumping to conclusions too quickly without understanding the nature of change and its consequences. Your client may well like the change when at first it didn’t look too inviting.
 
Gather information for learning – fear of the unknown can be a great source for cultivating a cycle of distress and ignorance. Change or transition can foster uncertainty for many people. By understanding how change works and what the change may entail builds clients’ confidence to adapt to change.
 
You could advise your client to do some research on the internet or go to their local library and study what change may bring. Being prepared and having some knowledge can reduce the uncertainty and the fear of the unknown that drives anxiety and stress.
 
Gradually building the changes – ‘limit the pace of change’ – trying to tackle big changes all at once is a recipe for failure - it is just too stressful and consuming of your clients’ time and energy. It is easier to tackle and adjust to smaller changes at a time so that the clients can have control over what they understand and how they deal with the change.
 
Trying to tackle and adjust to big changes may become too overwhelming and they may end up becoming too stressed and develop depression or anxiety if they fail.
 
A support group – experience can be a great teacher. Other people who have experienced transition or change may be able to share their story or stories with you. The purpose of a support group is to assist with understanding and to support one another as they try to cope with change.
 
Sense of humour – we know that life should not be all doom and gloom. We all have the capacity to laugh and find humour in the craziest of things. Change can be stressful so having a sense of humour can break down the seriousness a bit and make change look not so daunting or tough.
 
Humour is good for body and mind as it releases pent up energy and reduces the build up of cortisol that is released during stress, especially chronic levels of stress where high levels of cortisol can be damaging to the body and brain and to fighting off infections and wound healing.
 
Source: www.mentalhealthacademy.com.au

According to the Australian National Occupational Health and Safety Commission Report, December 2003, high stress levels lead to thousands of stress-related WorkCover claims every year. Cases of mental stress had by far the highest median (8.5 weeks) and average (16 weeks) time lost, and accounted for 29% of all new cases of disease. This is way above the median of 3.4 weeks lost and average of 9.3 weeks for all new cases of injury or disease.
 
Stress in the workplace is common and caused by many different factors and issues. Many problems may never be fully resolved and the amount of stress a person experiences is often determined by whether or not they can accept that some things in life will simply never be sorted out to their satisfaction. For instance, a person may feel stressed by the way they are treated by their employer, or the behaviour of a work colleague.
 
Sometimes this stress can be resolved by dealing with the particular behaviour as in many organisations, there are processes that can be followed to deal with workplace problems like harassment, victimisation or unfair treatment. If your work life and personal life are out of balance, your stress may be running high. Here’s how to reclaim control.
 
Finding work-life balance in today’s frenetically-paced world is no simple task. Spend more time at work than at home and you miss out on a rewarding personal life. Then again, if you’re facing challenges in your personal life such as caring for an aging parent or coping with marital or financial problems, concentrating on your job can be difficult.
 
Whether the problem is too much focused on work or too little, when your work life and your personal life feel out of balance, stress - and its harmful effects - is the result. To take control, first consider how the world of work has changed, then re-evaluate your relationship to work and apply the strategies for striking a more healthy balance as described in this guide.
 
How work invades your personal life: There was a time when employees showed up for work Monday through Friday and worked eight to nine hours. The boundaries between work and home were fairly clear then. But the world has changed and, unfortunately, the boundaries have blurred for many workers. Here’s why:
 
Global economy. As more skilled workers enter the global labor market and companies outsource or move more jobs to reduce labour costs, people feel pressured to work longer and produce more to protect their jobs.

International business. Work continues around the world 24 hours a day for some people. If you work in an international organisation, you might be on call around the clock for troubleshooting or consulting.

Advanced communication technology. People now have the ability to work anywhere - from their home, from their car and even on vacation. And some managers expect that.

Longer hours. Employers commonly ask employees to work longer hours than they’re scheduled. Often, overtime is mandatory. If you hope to move up the career ladder, you may find yourself regularly working more than 40 hours a week to achieve and exceed expectations.

Changes in family roles. Today’s married worker is typically part of a dual-career couple, which makes it difficult to find time to meet commitments to family, friends and community.
Overtime obsession
 
It’s tempting to work overtime if you’re an hourly employee. By doing so, you can earn extra money for a child’s university education or a dream vacation. Some people need to work overtime to stay on top of family finances or pay for extra, unplanned expenses.
 
If you’re on salary, working more hours may not provide extra cash, but it can help you to keep up with your workload. Being willing to arrive early and stay late every day may also help earn that promotion or bonus.
 
Before you sign up for overtime, consider the pros and cons of working extra hours on your work-life balance:

• Fatigue. Your ability to think and your eye-hand coordination decrease when you’re tired. This means you’re less productive and may make mistakes. These mistakes can lead to injury or rework and negatively impact your professional reputation.
• Family. You may miss out on important events, such as your child’s first bike ride, your father’s 60th birthday or your high-school reunion. Missing out on important milestones may harm relationships with your loved ones.
• Friends. Trusted friends are a key part of your support system. But if you’re spending time at the office instead of with them, you’ll find it difficult to nurture those friendships.
• Expectations. If you work extra hours as a general rule, you may be given more responsibility. This could create a never-ending and increasing cycle, causing more concerns and challenges.

Sometimes working overtime is important. It’s a choice you can make to adjust to a new job or new boss or to pay your bills. If you work for a company that requires mandatory overtime, you won’t be able to avoid it, but you can learn to manage it. If you work overtime by choice, do so in moderation. Most importantly, say no when you’re too tired, when it’s affecting your health or when you have crucial family obligations.
 
Striking the best work-life balance
 
It isn’t easy to juggle the demands of career and personal life. For most people, it’s an ongoing challenge to reduce stress and maintain harmony in key areas of their life. Here are some ideas to help you find the balance that’s best for you:
 
Keep a journal. Write down everything you do for one week. Include work-related and non-work-related activities. Decide what’s necessary and satisfies you the most. Cut or delegate activities you don’t enjoy, don’t have time for or do only out of guilt. If you don’t have the authority to make certain decisions, talk to your supervisor.
 
Take advantage of your options. Find out if your employer offers flex hours, a compressed work week, job-sharing or telecommuting for your role. The flexibility may alleviate some of your stress and free up some time.
 
Manage your time. Organise household tasks efficiently. Doing one or two loads of laundry every day rather than saving it all for your day off, and running errands in batches rather than going back and forth several times are good places to begin. A weekly family calendar of important dates and a daily list of to-dos will help you avoid deadline panic. If your employer offers a course in time management, sign up for it.
 
Rethink your cleaning standards. An unmade bed or sink of dirty dishes won’t impact the quality of your life. Do what needs to be done and let the rest go. If you can afford it, pay someone else to clean your house.
 
Communicate clearly. Limit time-consuming misunderstandings by communicating clearly and listening carefully. Take notes if it helps.
 
Let go of the guilt. Remember, having a family and a job is okay - for both men and women.
Nurture yourself. Set aside time each day for an activity that you enjoy, such as walking, working out or listening to music.
 
Unwind after a hectic workday by reading, practicing yoga or taking a bubble bath. Sitting down and watching the news is NOT recommended for relaxation or unwinding as many studies advise the news creates an upward shift in anxiety and stress levels.
 
Set aside one night each week for recreation. Take the phone off the hook; turn off the computer and the TV. Discover activities you can do with your partner, family or friends, such as playing golf, fishing, bike riding or walking on the beach. Making time for activities you enjoy will refresh you.
 
Protect your day off. Try to schedule some of your routine chores on workdays so that your days off are more relaxing.
 
Get enough sleep. There’s nothing as stressful and potentially dangerous as working when you’re sleep-deprived. Not only is your productivity affected, but you can also make costly mistakes. You may then have to work even more hours to make up for these mistakes.
 
Bolster your support system. Give yourself the gift of a trusted friend or co-worker to talk with during times of stress or hardship. If you’re part of a religious community, take advantage of the support your religious leader can provide. Ensure you have trusted friends and relatives who can assist you when you need to work overtime or travel for your job.
 
Seek professional help. Everyone needs help from time to time. If your life feels too chaotic to manage and you are constantly worrying about it, talk with a professional such as your doctor, a psychologist, a counsellor or a life coach. And if you’re experiencing high levels of stress because of marital, financial, chemical dependency or legal problems, a counsellor can link you to helpful services in your community.
 
Balance doesn’t mean doing everything. Examine your priorities and set boundaries. Be firm in what you can and cannot do. Only you can restore harmony to your lifestyle.
 
Source: www.counsellingconnection.com

For the past few months, I’ve been sharing some of my personal productivity secrets in a series of articles to help you “Master Plan” your life so you can finally accomplish all your goals. Ultimately, it all boils down to how you spend your time. What you do and what you fail to do.
 
Setting goals is easy. Establishing priorities is pretty simple too. The tough part is following through. Fortunately, there are a few easy steps you can take to coach yourself through the process.
 
1. You must recognize that good intentions are not enough.
 
Writing up a list of yearly goals or New Year’s resolutions might make you feel great. It may even make you feel like you are on your way. But you can’t claim to be making any progress toward accomplishing anything until you start acting on your Master Plan.
 
2. Don’t spend too much time thinking about your future success.
 
Imagining what you want out of life – the big house, the luxury cars, the yacht – may give you pleasure. But despite what the think-and-be-rich gurus says, it won’t make you successful. You must spend most of your time taking action, not daydreaming about all the toys you will have “some day.”
 
Most of the most accomplished people I know – and in that group I include some success coaches who preach the think-and-get-rich philosophy – don’t waste their time thinking about success. What they think about is how to do a certain task or solve a specific problem. They know that wealth and success will come to them if they have a good plan and follow it.
 
3. Break up your busy day.
 
Once you begin to implement your Master Plan, you will find that you will want to keep working for hours and hours at a time. Because you will be making progress toward your goals, you will be energized by the work itself. (If this has not been your experience with work before, be prepared to start enjoying your days a whole lot more!)
 
The extra surge of motivation will be very useful in getting lots more important work done. You’ll be working more intensely, more intelligently, and just plain longer and harder than ever. But because you’ll be working longer and harder, you’ll need to force yourself to take little breaks – three- to five-minute breaks to reduce stress, recharge your batteries, and ensure that your body is not stuck in the same position too long.
 
It’s not easy to take breaks once you are in a groove. In fact, you may be amazed at how difficult it can be. Most of the successful businesspeople I know think nothing of sitting at a computer or being on the telephone for four to six hours at a stretch. This is a testament to the motivational power of having a Master Plan, but it still puts a lot of pressure on your body and brain.
 
To make sure you take the breaks you need, I recommend a very simple device: an old-fashioned egg timer. Gene Schwartz, the legendary copywriter who was instrumental in the success of Boardroom Reports and Rodale Publishing, never sat down to work without setting an egg timer for 33 minutes. When the buzzer went off, he walked away from his computer and did something else for five minutes. He said the habit made him more productive. He said it was an important part of the process that made him a success.
 
When I’m writing, I set my timer according to the writing objective I’ve set for myself. Since I’m currently working on many writing projects at once, my daily goal is usually between 300 and 1,200 words. It takes me, on average, about 10 minutes to write 100 words. Therefore, I can knock off 300 words in a half-hour, 600 words in an hour, and a full, 1,200-word ETR article in two hours.
 
That’s how I break up my time – in half-hour or hourly segments with an occasional two-hour sprint. Between segments, I usually stretch backward and forward over a Pilates barrel I keep outside my office. Sometimes I’ll go outside and just breathe in the fresh air.
 
My afternoons consist of meetings and phone calls, which have natural breaks so I don’t need my egg timer. (I schedule most of my meetings for 15 or 30 minutes. It is seldom necessary to have a meeting any longer than that.)
 
Like Gene Schwartz, I have found my mini-breaks to be very refreshing.
 
Sometimes, if I had a short night of sleep and an intense midday workout, I get very tired in the middle of the afternoon. When I feel that way, I lie down and try to nap for 15 minutes. I will do that anywhere and under any circumstances. I’m not embarrassed by it. I think people who don’t understand it should be embarrassed, not me.
 
Once, suffering from jet lag in London, I lay down on the floor underneath the conference table before a board meeting. Fifteen minutes before the meeting was to start, NR, a board member and multimillionaire German publisher, came in. Our eyes met. I thought he might say something. Instead, he took off his shoes, lay down next to me, and we both enjoyed a power nap.
 
To help alleviate the boredom of working in one place all day, I split my time between my home office above my garage (where I do my writing in the morning) and my office at ETR headquarters. I have outfitted both offices with efficient workstations and comfortable chairs. And I have pillows handy in case I need a nap.
 
In the late afternoon, after a good day’s work, I often reward myself by walking over to a cigar shop two blocks from ETR. I can do some additional writing there while enjoying an espresso and a fine Nicaraguan cigar.
 
I get home at 7:30, open a bottle of wine, and head to a favorite spot in the backyard where I do some light reading and/or solve a crossword puzzle. It gives me a chance to unwind and, if necessary, blow off a little steam. Sometimes, I’ll jump in the hot tub. The idea is to get into a good mood for dinner, which starts promptly at 8:00.
 
All these little breaks and naps and rewards enhance the pleasure of my day. No matter how much work I have on my task sheet, I’m never more than two hours away from some pleasurable experience.
 
If you find that your workday is one long trek down a dull road, try breaking it up the way I do and see if it doesn’t make you happier and more productive.
 
Author: Michael Masterson
 
This article appears courtesy of Early To Rise, a free newsletter dedicated to making money, improving health and secrets to success. For a complimentary subscription, visit www.earlytorise.com.

“I know that you believe you understand what you think I said, but I’m not sure you realize that what you heard is not what I meant.” ~ Robert McCloskey

“Seek first to understand and then be understood” is an instruction first delivered by Stephen Covey in his acclaimed book The Seven Habits of Highly Effective People. Covey’s message is a simple but powerful one. Too often we enter into communications with others with pre-conceived assumptions or notions about what the other person’s expectations, ideas or judgements will be.
 
Rarely are communications entered into without a predetermined idea of the response we are seeking or expecting. This does little but make communication more complex and susceptible to misunderstanding.
 
Studies into interpersonal communication have continually discovered that three core qualities foster effective communication. These qualities are defined as: 

1. Genuineness;
2. Respect and
3. Empathy. 

By incorporating these qualities into your everyday interactions with others, you can ensure that your relationships and communications become increasingly authentic, valid and meaningful.
 
Genuineness
 
To be genuine in communication is to be open, honest and self-expressive. The degree to which you behave in this way is the degree to which you’ll be able to significantly relate to another. A conversation devoid of genuineness sees people conceal their thoughts, values or motives. Concealment can lead to defensive responses and ultimately minimal connection between people.
 
Of course, it is neither advisable nor appropriate to be completely self-expressive in all situations. Genuine communication means engaging in sincere, honest and responsible conversations. It means accepting yourself and expressing who that is.
 
Reflection:
 
Take a moment to reflect on the relationships in your life, both professional and personal.

• In which relationships do you feel the most genuine?
• In which relationships do you feel the least genuine?
• What is it about your most genuine relationships that encourage you to express more of who you are? 

Respect
 
Respectful communication is communication that values the other person. When you engage in respectful conversation you appreciate the other person’s separateness and self-identity. To facilitate respectful communication:
 
Show consideration for personal boundaries. Avoid asking questions that are overly personal or intrusive. We often show this respect to colleagues and acquaintances but can fail to do so with our children or other family members.
 
Don’t impose your personal values onto others. Appreciate differences in other’s values and beliefs.
 
Avoid making assumptions. Don’t assume someone is thinking or feeling a particular way simply because that would be your natural response or reaction. Always check with them.
 
Empathy
 
Empathy exists on a continuum between apathy and sympathy (see below):
 
APATHY                         EMPATHY                                           SYMPATHY
 
e.g. “I don’t care”            e.g. “Looks like you feel down today”   e.g. “You poor thing…”
 
Under-involvement                                 <>                              Over-involvement
 
Effective communication means showing genuine care and concern for somebody. It does not mean identifying so strongly with another’s situation that it becomes debilitating or difficult for you to manage. Empathy means viewing the world through another’s person’s eyes. It requires abandoning self-focused communication for authentic connection and understanding.
 
The more you develop your communication skills the greater the possibility for genuine conversations based on honesty and respect. It is these conversations that have the power to influence your life.
 
Interactions based on genuine connection and consideration lead to improved understanding. This, in turn maximises the likelihood of successful communication that is not only authentic but leads to results. Increase your professional effectiveness by using your communication skills to identify the expectations of others and express your needs clearly and succinctly.
 
Source: www.mentalhealthacademy.com.au