A client approaches you with the following question: “My visions and goals are great but they aren’t real. How can I start living them now?” Master Coach Zahava Starak answers this dilemma…

Wow! A dilemma of a question! How can one start living something that isn’t real? More likely the client in this case has goals and a vision that are very real - but perhaps not realistic or attainable in their view.

Or perhaps they feel that other people in their life might not appreciate their goal or that they are silly to have any aspirations. As a coach it is therefore a good idea to discuss with your client what is happening in their life at the present and what they want to see happening - and then whether there is any synchronicity between the two.

To this end you could follow the WDEP acronym.  Each letter of this acronym refers to a cluster of strategies that can be implemented by the coach to promote change and assist the client in living the life they want.

In this acronym the letter W stands for Wants and Needs.

The coach asks a number of questions that encourage their client to discover what their needs are. Clients are given the opportunity to explore every aspect of their life and determine what they want from family, work, friends and so on. 

Typical questions include: “What do you want that you don’t seem to be getting?” or “What would you be doing if you were living how you wanted to?” By answering such questions that client is painting a picture of their “quality world”.

Next, the coach addresses the letter D which stands for Direction and Doing. 

The coach now discusses with their client the overall direction of their life, including where they are going and where their behaviour is taking them. Once again, through questioning, the focus is on the client’s present reality.

Questions to be asked at this stage include: “What are you doing about this?” and “What did you actually do this past week?” As it is evident, these questions examine the behaviours of the client to determine whether they are helping them attain their quality world.

This then brings us to the letter E which stands for Evaluation. The coach now asks such questions as: “Is what you are doing helping you or hurting you?” or “Does your present behaviour have a reasonable chance of getting you what you want now?” These questions help the client evaluate their behaviour and to honestly look at the consequences of their actions. With this realistic appraisal the client is now ready to make effective choices that may lead to change and goal attainment.

So they can now address the letter P which stands for Planning and Commitment. Clients can now explore the behaviours which can satisfy their wants and help them live their vision. Questions to assist the client at this stage include: “What plans could you make that would result in a more satisfying life?” or “Are there any other ways you achieve this goal?”

By following this acronym the client is empowered to start making their goals real and attainable thereby enabling them to live the life they want. Let’s now see how this acronym works in a real situation.

Case Example

Our client in this case is Linda. She describes her life as one that should be ’satisfying’. She is happily married to an accountant and enjoys looking after her two children aged 5 and 7. Her husband earns enough money so that the family has all their basic needs met without Linda having to work.

Before the birth of her second child Linda worked in the hospitality industry and enjoyed the interaction with people. It is only recently that she began questioning her ‘quality world’ and talking about goals and visions. Linda wants to expand her world and says that she is probably ’silly’ and that she should abandon her ‘grand plans’ and take up a hobby instead.

Linda is basically saying that her goals and vision aren’t real - but asking - how can I start living them now.

Based on our model the first step is to determine what Linda’s wants and needs are, and so we can ask Linda “What do you want with your life that you don’t seem to be getting?” We can further this exploration by asking Lind to describe the world that she would like to wake up to if, while sleeping, a miracle happened and her needs were met (the Miracle question).

Linda does know what she wants and she explains that she would like to see the children off to school each morning and then work on her catering and special events business that she has dreamt of for the last two years. With enthusiasm she explains in detail her business concept and who she would have helping her run it. Her wants and needs would be met by the challenge of the business and by the social interaction it would offer.

Next we can ask Linda what she is doing to get her wants. More specifically we ask, “What did you actually do this past week to take steps to start your business?” and “What do you see for yourself now and in the future?”

Linda’s enthusiasm wanes and she indicates that all she has been doing is talking about her dream to both perspective employees and supporters. She has only briefly mentioned it to her husband. She owns up that she feels foolish to have such aspirations and so until now has chosen to dream but not to act.

This statement leads us into an evaluation and we ask Linda “Is what you want realistic?” and although Linda hesitates and stumbles in the discussion of her vision, it becomes evident that her dream is possible. She has the skills, the contacts, the finances and the passion - and so we now ask her “Does your present behaviour have a reasonable chance of getting you what you want now, and will it take you in the direction you want to go?”

Linda, as expected, answers ‘no’ but there is a smile on her face as she now realises that she can actually start doing something to make this goal come true. And we can now enter the Planning and Commitment Stage of the Model. Goals can be more specifically addressed using the SMART format and a vision can be described in more detail.

We can ask Linda to indicate how committed she is to attaining her goal and she answers that on a scale between 1and 10 where 1 is not committed and 10 is fully committed – she is a 10. We are now ready to formulate an action plan and initiate the first steps towards establishing Linda’s goal and having her live the life she wants. 

Your vision will become clear only when you look into your heart. Who looks outside, dreams. Who looks inside, awakens. ~ Carl Jung

This post’s coaching question could come from someone who is already in a management or leadership position; someone who has recently been promoted within their company; or even someone who has been successful in gaining a position in a new company and it is a change from their previous role.
 
The question is: What’s the difference between leadership and management? Terry Neal answers…
 
You may already be coaching a client who presents you with this question to either help them set some personal goals which incorporate some appropriate leadership and/or management qualities in this new or existing role, and/or how they could include the activity of coaching in a team management or leadership situation.
 
Therefore they may also be keen to be both coached and to learn how they can apply coaching skills in their work environment in their specific management or leadership role.
 
You could begin your exploration of this question by asking your client about their role as it has been presented to them. Whether it is a new position and they have yet to start or how it is in practice, and for how long that have experienced it for.
 
You could then follow their description up with an activity you have already prepared, that lists some attributes and qualities of a manager and a leader and ask your client to indicate under which heading they would place each attribute.
 
These attributes could include: 

• systems focused person
• people focused person
• maintenance of current practices
• development of new practices
• control of practices
• trust & letting go
• short term perspective
• long term perspective
• imitators
• originators
• communicators
• inspirational
• delegates
• embodies confidence
• self motivation
• shows originality
• trail blazer
• etc.

Of course not each quality listed above is going to neatly fall under one or the other heading but the idea here is to assist your client to start thinking about their personal concept of management and leadership and then to add the qualities that they may have already used in previous roles that were headed as management or leadership (executive) roles and /or qualities that they feel they would like to include under either of these two headings.
 
The idea here is to not give your client your definition or description of management and leadership but to assist your client onto the path of self discovery around how others see the definition of these two roles.
 
You could assist your client in their deeper understanding of these two terms by asking them about others who are in either of these two roles that they have read about or whom they know personally and admire and to note the qualities that these people have used or are using in their management or leadership roles.
 
If this question is part of a larger coaching contract that you have with this client, then you could set this as an activity for them to do between sessions.
 
This information could help them form personal values that they could hold in being an effective manager or leader and could also be used by your client when planning the wording that states their vision of best management and/or leadership.

Your client is in a relationship but has doubts about the validity of his emotions. He asks you the following question: How do I know if I really love my partner? As his coach, what would you do? Master Coach Terry Neal answers…

Initial Questioning

A client with this question needs to be treated sensitively. The client may be in a position of concern about ‘what is love really’ which may have come from comparing themselves in their relationship with other couples that they know personally or have observed in recent times.

Their concern may also have come from reading, hearing about or seeing reports on celebrity couples who are quite often held up in the media to every possible scrutiny and public comment by those who claim to ‘know’ what is and isn’t “real love” in a couple relationship.

On the other hand, your client may be asking this question because he is feeling that the fire or spark that may have been in the relationship in earlier times now seems to have diminished or even disappeared.

The feeling that they may now have towards their partner may not have much or any resemblance to the feeling that they experienced in earlier stages of the relationship.

Initially, you would need to let your client talk about what they see as the core of this questioning. Through careful listening, you will be able to begin to determine some important aspects of their relationship at this time and why they have come to you for coaching.

Perhaps they’re in a relatively newly-committed relationship that has begun to settle into the daily routine (that’s part of most relationships at some stage) or perhaps they and/or their partner have talked about commitment and living together and your client is wondering about their current feelings towards their partner (and whether this will be enough to make this move and to support them in the next stage of their relationship).

Thus, sensitive questioning will help you to establish where the relationship is according to your client and some of the challenges that it’s bringing.

Strategies

Now, if you realise that issues were raised through the initial questioning stage which need to be addressed by a relationship counsellor, then you would be ethically bound to let your client know this (and therefore you will need to talk with your client about a referral to such a practitioner).

However, if you believe that your client is wondering in general about whether they really love their partner, you could begin by asking them to write down what they think and/or feel are the qualities that express love in a couple relationship.

Ask them not to limit themselves with or judge the expressions they write on this list: ask them to write down as many qualities as they can think of, including those they’ve heard others say to be such expressions. This list could consist of actions, words, thoughts, feelings… whatever they feel or think constitutes an expression of love.

Next, ask them to indicate which qualities they consider to be the most important expressions of love in a relationship. Finally, ask the client to indicate the qualities they are expressing or doing now within their current relationship.

Encourage your client to look at the complete list, particularly noting those that they’ve indicated as important in general and especially those that they use now as expressions of love towards their partner.

You could then follow the creation of this list with questions like:

• What do you notice about your list of qualities in general?
• What is the correlation between the expressions you’ve considered to be important and those that you actually express now?
• How do you feel about this correlation?
• What aspects (if any) of your expressions of love that you already use now towards your partner would you like to change?
• What would you like to include from the larger overall list?

Once again, sensitivity would be required as your client could start to make negative comparisons about themselves through how they currently express love towards their partner by comparing themselves with their ideal list.

However, there are three things you could do to alleviate this comparison:

1. You could remind your client that the list of the expressions of love came from them and so this means that they do have the awareness of what love and its expression can look and feel like. If they reply that they were just saying what they’ve heard others say to be expressions of love, suggest that this is OK as initially you asked them to list as many as they could think of or felt were expressions and not whether they would use them.
2. You could ask them if there are any qualities in the most important list that are ’shoulds’ for them ie: “I should express this or feel like this”.
3. You could also suggest some web research about love and relationships from reputable sources that present a ‘down-to-earth’ approach e.g. Relationships Australia, Counselling Connection Blog (www.counsellingconnection.com), etc.

By the end of the session, your client may at least have a more positive perspective around the qualities of love that they already express and can be supported to see that they are perhaps already expressing some or many of those qualities that they regard as important to their partner.

Further sessions with you may assist in highlighting those expressions of love that your client may choose to include and express within their relationship.

In our case scenario, your client has asked you how he can eliminate stress from his life… below are some thoughts from our Master Coach Zahava Starak.

Initial Assessment

To find an answer to this question the coach needs to undertake an educative role and teach their client a little bit about stress. There is a plethora of information available describing stress and its symptoms - but there is perhaps not enough understanding.

Therefore before a client can eliminate stress they need to know what stress is. With knowledge the coach and the client can then apply techniques for the identification, management and reduction of stress. It is important for the client to know that stress affects everyone at some stage of their life and that not all stress is bad for you.

No one can completely escape the effects of stress and in actual fact stress is that natural part of the human being that keeps us alert and prepared for situations which require prompt responses. In fact, stress plays a positive role as a performance enhancer as it facilitates the availability and release of motivational energy.

It makes sense therefore for individuals to seek an optimal level of stress in their day to day lives. If stress is totally absent, boredom, apathy and dissatisfaction set in and psychological disturbances can occur. Some people thrive on stress levels that others might find terrifying. For example, politicians, pilots and police officers readily expose themselves to stressors which could severely limit others through their career choices.

It becomes apparent therefore that before eliminating stress coach and client need to identify the stressors in the client’s life and determine how much is required for healthy functioning.

There are a number of tests that a coach can ask the client complete as to determine and measure stress. A pioneering system for measuring stress was devised as far back as 1967 by two psychologists, Holmes and Rahe. Scoring was used to rate the disruption and resultant stress of a range of recent events in the individual’s life.

Some of these events include major upheavals as a divorce, accident, and retirement and some less dramatic causes such as a change in eating habits, change in school or change in work responsibilities. There are also other tests used to generally rate life style stress. Checklists as handouts can be given clients or the coach can ask questions such as:

1. Do you struggle with stressful interpersonal relationships?
2. Is your work challenging and satisfying offering intrinsic rewards?
3. How do you manage your time? Is there too much to be done in the time available? And
4. Are you the type that accepts high pressure or stressful situations passively when you really want to act assertively to re engineer pressure situations?

With the information these questions and tools provide it is possible to determine what stress the client is experiencing and whether this stress is good or not. It is significant to note that the objective now becomes not to eliminate stress but to find a balance which allows optimum performance and a healthy and happy lifestyle.

Strategies to Achieve Balance

Motivation will play a key component in how successful the client will be in reaching this goal. When the sources of stress have been identified, there are usually three proactive steps the client can take to bring their stress to acceptable levels 

1. Modify specific situations
2. Change attitudes
3. Introduce stress management techniques.

In modifying situations the coach can teach numerous strategies moulded to each unique situation. For coping with too much to do and not enough time to do it, the client can be taught time management techniques and be provided with a time map.

This map is divided into ‘activity zones’ that correspond to your life categories and contain all the tasks on your to-do-list. For those who find the workplace to be a major source of stress, they can learn problem solving strategies and conflict resolution styles.

Individuals experiencing the stress of small business and executive pressures can undertake programs to learn leadership skills, team building and decision making. Skills such as basic communication and assertiveness can help deal with stress in both the work and home fronts as well as in social interactions.

To help clients comfortably talk with others in any setting, coaches can systematically introduce communication skills such as the use of open-ended questions, giving self disclosure, changing topics, breaking into ongoing conversations and learning how to tell stories.

If a strategy or technique is not enough to bring stress to an acceptable level, coach and client can take a hard look at how the client can ‘let go’ of the stressful situation and walk away from it. This challenge will bring another set of skills as the client learns how to deal with pressure situations by releasing their hold on them.

This latter process then introduces the client to the second step they can take in their attempt to optimise their stress levels- change attitudes. And when it comes to this step there are a lot of approaches the coach can use.

Neurolinguistic Training or NLP - for one - is a framework which has many techniques aimed at helping individuals de-construct the meaning they give to events and then introduce a different healthier meaning to them. The fundamental concept in this and all related approaches is that the individual needs to change the thinking around the stressful occurrence.

Click here to access some NLP techniques…

This can be as simple as introducing an intervening thought every time a stressful situation arises. For example, if traffic jams are a source of stress the client can ensure that they are never caught in traffic hurdles (thereby addressing step 1) or they can change their thinking about traffic snarls.

Every time they are caught up in traffic they will think to themselves that this is an opportunity to relax and to listen to that CD they have wanted to for a long time. The response to this intervention is a distressed individual.

Step 3 includes the introduction of stress management techniques is the content of hundreds, more likely thousands of books and articles. The coach can both introduce ways to prevent and reduce stress and can also refer their client to these books.

A more detailed look at some of these stress management techniques can be found in the featured article on Edition 101 of our newsletter - Coaching Inspirations.

In brief, some of these techniques include Relaxation Techniques such as breath control, thought control and muscular control, meditative movement therapies such as yoga, alternative medicines such as acupuncture, manual healing methods such as massage therapy, a change in diet and nutrition, getting a pet and laughing a lot.

Outfitted with the right attitude, the knowledge of how to modify stressful situations and some specific tools to avoid and manage stress the client  has not eliminated stress but has found how to make stress work to their advantage.

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A client has approached you with the following query: “How much should I exercise to maintain a healthy life style?” As the coach, how would you assist this client? LCI’s Master Coach Terry Neal answers…

Overview

Most clients who come to a coach with this question do so, generally, as the result of two situations.
 
One situation may result from them being diagnosed with a medical condition that needs ongoing attention in a number of areas; of which exercise is one area that’s been included by health professionals to assist with their treatment.

The other situation arises usually because the client has decided that they need to do some form of exercise on a regular basis and are unsure what it means for them to maintain what they see as a healthy lifestyle.

They may have tried to maintain a healthy life style in the past and they weren’t successful but now are willing to try again.

The first action you - as their coach - need to take when presented with this question is to determine the reason for them presenting this issue in a coaching setting.

Therefore it’s vital for you to find out if there is any diagnosed medical condition that is behind the need to exercise, so that they can create and maintain their desire of a healthy lifestyle.

If this is the case, you would need to find out more information about the condition and any potential exercise that your client could or could not undertake. From this research, you may decide that a referral to a specialist exercise centre is needed e.g. a cardio-vascular gymnasium attached to a hospital in the case of heart problems or another appropriate specialist practitioner or centre.

In the case where you and/or your client aren’t sure about any unusual symptoms that they may have experienced or are experiencing when doing general physical activity, you need to be ethically responsible as the coach with your client and tell them that they need to visit a medical practitioner before any exercise planning can take place with you as their coach.

Once you and they are clear as to their physical condition and they are ready to undertake a level of activity that will help them achieve and maintain a healthy lifestyle, you can begin to work with them to determine what a healthy lifestyle means for them.

Techniques

You could begin by asking the client questions around what they would like to achieve for themselves as a healthy lifestyle.

• What would a healthy lifestyle look like for you?
• What kind of person would you be if you had the perfect healthy lifestyle?
• What do you think others would notice about you as a result of this healthy lifestyle?
• How close do you think you are to this vision now?

The answers to these questions are important for you to know, as your client may already have a healthy lifestyle that incorporates exercise but they are unsure if the level of activity is sufficient to maintain how they want to see themselves.

The next step would be to find out if your client is already doing any exercise “Are you already doing any form of exercise?” If yes: “What type of exercise do you do?” “How much did you exercise over the past week?” “How did you feel as a result of this exercise?” “Do you think this exercise helped or hindered in your desire for a healthy lifestyle?”

If the client hasn’t done any exercise in the past week and or for a longer time ask “When did you last do any form of continuous exercise?” “What was this exercise?”

Having ascertained how much exercise they may or may not already be doing, it is also important to ask them about what other areas contribute to maintaining a healthy lifestyle. For example: “What is your diet like?” “Do you think it supports you achieving a healthy lifestyle? “Are you a smoker?” “How much alcohol do you drink each week?”

Answers to questions like these will assist your client to see that it isn’t just exercise that will determine the achievement of a healthy lifestyle and also to help you to determine if your client is not relying just on exercise to achieve their goal.

At this point you could review their current reality around exercise by summarising what they have said about how they currently maintain this healthy lifestyle, and to ask them what they feel they would like or need to change.

Remember that your client will determine for themselves what their “healthy lifestyle” will look like and that you as coach will need to support them to achieve these goals. 

Therefore it’s important to assist your client to create a plan to allow them to achieve their vision of a healthy lifestyle and check with them whether the level of activity that they choose for themselves is realistic and achievable (e.g. using the SMART system).

To assist them, you could suggest that they research information from health and exercise professionals, and types and lengths of activities: “What types of exercises are you realistically willing to do on a regular basis?” “What are you willing to do today to start maintaining a healthy lifestyle?” “What other areas of your life do you think you’d need to look at to maintain your vision of a healthy life style?”

Finally, these goals and plans need to be written down and a great tool for this is an Action Plan which is a step by step written plan to outline and activate their goals. It can be used over time as a checklist to determine whether they are carrying out their commitment to themselves

In conclusion, your client also needs to be assisted to see that the achieving and maintaining of a healthy lifestyle is not just about exercise but also about diet, work/life balance and healthy relationships.

This activity could help your client to begin to look at future direction of their life and what they’d like to put their energy into in the future. They may also start to see that if they can allow themselves to focus on something that is of importance to them, that they will be able to “stick at it” for a long time!!