Positive Psychology’s primary focus is on what people do right to obtain and maintain optimum happiness (Compton, 2005), by striving to understand and help people develop qualities that lead to greater personal fulfilment. The premise of positive psychology is to promote factors that allow individuals to thrive and flourish by encouraging a change of focus in psychology from a preoccupation with repairing the worst things to a greater emphasis on discovering and building upon positive qualities.
 
The concept of happiness is the corner stone of the assumptions of positive psychology. Happiness is characterised by the experience of more frequent positive affective states than negative ones as well as a perception that one is progressing toward important life goals (Tkach & Lyubomirsky, 2006). Identifying factors that contribute to happiness has proven to be challenging. Interestingly though, one thing that does stand out in the research to date is that the attainment and pursuit of pleasure may not always lead to happiness.
 
Certain kinds of environmental factors or conditions have been found to be associated with happiness and include such things as; individual income, labour market status, health, family, social relationships, moral values and many others (Carr, 2004; Selim, 2008; Diener, Oishi & Lucas, 2003). Ultimately, in the pursuit of understanding happiness, there are two main theoretical perspectives which focus on addressing the question of what makes people feel good and happy. These are the hedonic and eudaimonic approaches to happiness (Keyes, Shmotkin, & Ryff, 2002).
 
Hedonic well-being is based on the notion that increased pleasure and decreased pain leads to happiness. Hedonic concepts are based on the notion of subjective well-being. Subjective well-being is ascientific term that is commonly used to denote the ‘happy or good life’. It comprises of an affective component (high positive affect and low negative affect) and a cognitive component (satisfaction with life). It is proposed that an individual experiences happiness when positive affect and satisfaction with life are both high (Carruthers & Hood, 2004).
 
Eudaimonic well-being, on the other hand, is strongly reliant on Maslow’s ideas of self actualisation and Roger’s concept of the fully functioning person and their subjective well being. Eudaimonic happiness is therefore based on the premise that people feel happy if they experience life purpose, challenges and growth. This approach adopts Self-Determination Theory to conceptualise happiness (Keyes et al., 2002; Deci & Ryan, 2000). Self determination theory suggests that happiness is related to fulfilment in the areas of autonomy and competence.
 
From this perspective, by engaging in eudaimonic pursuits, subjective well being (happiness) will occur as a by product. Thus, life purpose and higher order meaning are believed to produce happiness. It appears that the general consensus is that happiness does not result from the pursuit of pleasure but from the development of individual strengths and virtues which ties in with the concept of positive psychology (Vella-Brodrick, Park & Peterson, 2009). The differences between eudaimonic and hedonic happiness are listed below:

Hedonic (Subjective Wellbeing)

• Presence of positive mood
• Absence of negative mood
• Satisfaction with various domains of life (e.g. work, leisure)
• Global life satisfaction

Eudaimonic (Psychological Wellbeing)

• Sense of control or autonomy
• Feeling of meaning and purpose
• Personal expressiveness
• Feelings of belongingness
• Social contribution
• Competence
• Personal growth
• Self acceptance

Positive Psychology views happiness from both the hedonistic and eudaimonic view in which they define happiness in terms of the pleasant life, the good life and the meaningful life (Norrish & Vella-Brodrick, 2008). Peterson et al., identified three pathways to happiness from the positive psychological view: 

1. Pleasure is the process of maximising positive emotion and minimising negative emotion and is referred to as the pleasant life which involves enjoyable and positive experiences. 
    
2. Engagement is the process of being immersed and absorbed in the task at hand and is referred to as the good life which involves being actively involved in life and all that it requires and demands. Thus the good life is considered to result from the individual cultivating and investing their signature strengths and virtues into their relationships, work and leisure (Seligman, 2002), thus applying the best of self during challenging activities that results in growth and a feeling of competence and satisfaction that brings about happiness. 
    
3. Meaning is the process of having a higher purpose in life than ourselves and is referred to as the meaningful life which involves using our strengths and personal qualities to serve this higher purpose. The meaningful life, like the good life, involves the individual applying their signature strengths in activities, but the difference is that these activities are perceived to contribute to the greater good in the meaningful life. 

Ultimately, it is a combination of each of these three elements described above that positive psychology suggests would constitute authentic and stable happiness (Vella-Brodrick, Park & Peterson, 2009; Carruthers & Hood, 2004).
 
Flow and happiness
 
Another key contribution positive psychology has made to our understanding of the qualities and attributes of well-being is in the concept of flow. Flow is defined as an optimal state of engagement, happiness and peak experience that occurs when an individual is absorbed in an intrinsically motivating challenge (Norrish & Vella-Brodrick, 2008). Flow is typically characterised by being immersed in a specific activity that incorporates the following elements: 

1. Concentration toward the task at hand that appears effortless and is not associated with mental strain or aggressive efforts to repress or control thinking (Vella-Brodrick, Park & Peterson, 2009), 
2. Involvement in the task to the point where there is no need to think about what needs to be done before it is done (Vella-Brodrick, Park & Peterson, 2009), and
3. Enjoyment through being involved in and doing the specific activity (Vella-Brodrick, Park & Peterson, 2009). 

The state of flow has been implicated in the pathways to happiness and thus expands further the concept of happiness beyond the pleasure state. To conclude on the influence of flow Csikszentmihalyi (1990) suggests that happiness is brought on by the experience of flow that allows people to enjoy life and function better in a number of different contexts (click here to watch Csikszentmihalyi’s TED Talk on Flow).
 
Personality Traits and Happiness
 
Personality studies indicate that happy and unhappy people have distinctive personality profiles. For example, happy people tend to be more extraverted, optimistic and usually have high self esteem. Happiness is also considered to be an emotion produced by positive and negative events and experiences (Selim, 2008). Interestingly, a number of reports have shown that extraverted individuals are happier than introverted individuals in the context of a broad range of life experiences (Carr, 2004; Tkach & Lyubomirsky, 2006; Furnham & Christoforou, 2007).
 
This has been attributed to the idea that extraverts react more strongly to positive stimuli designed to induce positive emotions when compared to introverts. Extraverts are also reported to have a better fit with their social environment that may trigger positive emotions of happiness. As such, extraverts are more likely to experience happiness than introverts who may not thrive in similar social settings (Furnham & Christoforou, 2007; Carr, 2004).
 
Happiness has also shown to be associated with easy sociability that involves natural, pleasant interaction with other people, another attribute typical of the extravert. Happiness of extraverts can be partially explained by their choice of enjoyable situations while those that are socially unskilled (e.g. introverts) may avoid such situations.
 
In contrast, unhappy people tend to have high levels of neuroticism. Neuroticism is the tendency to be vulnerable to feelings of anxiety and depression when faced with potentially stressful situations. Thus unhappy people are believed to be more reactive to unpleasant emotional stimuli compared to happier counterparts under the same conditions (Diener, Oishi & Lucas, 2003). Hofer, Busch and Kiessling (2008) support this point of view in stating that neuroticism is negatively associated with subjective well being (happiness) while openness to experience, agreeableness, extraversion and conscientiousness are positively related to subjective well being (happiness).
 
Biology of Happiness
 
This view purports that Individuals are born with the genetic makeup to be either “very” happy, reasonably content, or chronically dissatisfied. Positive emotions have been shown to coincide with higher levels of activity on the left side of the brain’s prefrontal lobes. A key player seems to be the neurotransmitter dopamine, which carries “feel good” messages between brain cells. High levels of dopamine have been implicated in feelings of happiness while low levels may result in feelings of depression.
 
Lykken and Tellegen (1996) concluded from their study of twins that most people have an average level of happiness or a “set point” that is innate in them and therefore independent of environmental factors. They suggest that after we adjust to the effects of temporary highs and lows in emotionality (for example, happiness and sadness) we return to our biological “set point”. While it is understood that very intense feelings of joy or sadness may keep people off their “set point” for somewhat longer periods, it is believed that eventually every one returns to their baseline level of well being that is believed to be set by genetics (Compton, 2005).
 
From the biological perspective, depending on an individual’s genes, some people may have a natural enthusiasm for life, deriving pleasure from ordinary activities, or may require unusual adventures. But regardless of what makes us happy, a quiet walk or a jungle safari, after the initial high, we return to our happiness set-point regulated by our level of dopamine.   For some people it is suggested that their set point may lean towards positive emotionality (high level of dopamine) whereby they will tend to be cheerful most of the time. Those with a set point directed more towards negative emotionality (low dopamine) will tend to gravitate toward varying degrees of pessimism and anxiety. It is also proposed that the biologically-programmed set-point isn’t really a point, it’s a range.
 
In this context we can influence this rage thus being able to alter our “set point” by creating an environment that is more conducive to feelings of happiness. That is why factors such as family environment, education level, and cultural factors all have an impact on an individual’s sense of happiness and wellbeing (Compton, 2005). Thus, rather than being a carte blanche on the individual’s state of happiness, the biological view still considers environmental factors to be an influence on the more enduring trait of happiness but only within the confines of a set-point range.
 
Happiness and Culture
 
When it comes to happiness, culture is considered to play a significant role. Researchers have concluded that most people across the globe do desire some form and degree of happiness. But that pursuit of happiness varies greatly depending on one’s culture and circumstances (Carr, 2004). For example, very poor nations and those in dramatic political change invariably report the lowest levels of subjective well-being. Conversely, many of the wealthy and democratic Scandinavian countries consistently report the highest levels of happiness.
 
But a culture can also be poor in resources and rich in happiness as well. Latin American nations, for example, appear to have a more positive orientation and value happiness more than other countries (Maddux, 2004). At the other end of the scale, East Asian and African nations often place other values ahead of happiness, such as mastery and pleasing one’s family or group (Carr, 2004).
 
Thus, how we individually define and experience happiness has as much to do with our cultural influences as it does with our personality, biological dispositions, personal goals and other individual factors. What this means is that while most people in practically every society will likely desire some form of well-being (both psychologically and physically), what they value will greatly determine what shape that pursuit of happiness is and what it will look like once acquired.
 
Because of such cultural variance in what factors contribute to high levels of happiness and well-being, it must be concluded that there are more determinants to happiness beyond the scope of what positive psychology currently understands. What is perhaps important to understand is that each culture finds its own sources of well-being and maximises these by building from their own cultural resources to pursue their own individual happiness.
 
Authentic Happiness
 
Positive psychology uses the term authentic happiness to describe the combination of behaviours that constitutes happiness and a good life. Authenticity in this context refers to both the ability to recognise and take responsibility for one’s own psychological experiences and the ability to act in ways that are consistent with those experiences. Authentic happiness is thought to derive from the identification and cultivation of signature strengths and virtues (Robbins, 2009).
 
Thus, authentic happiness suggests that we all have signature strengths that we use in challenging times to bring about change. The idea is that individuals should focus on their strengths and not their weaknesses in order to attain authentic happiness. The focus is on drawing on those strengths and using them as tools to maximise meaningful life. Greater authenticity was also linked to less depression and less perceived stress and fewer complaints of physical problems, creating a conducive climate for happiness (Compton, 2005).  
 
Seligman (2002) differentiates between strengths and talents as they are often confused in the identification of individual signature strengths. It is suggested that strengths are moral traits while talents are innate. Talents are said to be relatively automatic whereas strengths are more voluntary. Although talent does not involve a choice about possessing it, there is a choice of whether to burnish it and where to deploy it. Strength on the other hand involves choices about when to use it and whether to keep building it (Seligman, 2002).
 
It is argued that signature strengths are built from the discovery and ownership of the strengths that an individual already possess. Seligman and his colleagues have identified 24 signature strengths and 6 virtues that are believed to be necessary for one to attain the authentic happiness.
 
Source: www.mentalhealthacademy.com.au

A coaching client approaches you with the following question: “How can I become the best partner possible?” As his coach, what would you suggest? Zahava Starak, LCI Master Coach, answers…
 
We will be addressing this question on the assumption that ‘partner’ in this question refers to the partner in a ‘couple relationship’.
 
Upon hearing this request the coach would initially be on alert as to the motivation behind this desire, as before working with this client the coach would need to briefly discuss the client’s relationship and ascertain if there are any serious problems that will need specialist attention.
 
An individual may want to become the best partner possible out of a fear that if they don’t they will lose their partner, or they may have an exaggerated dependence on their partner and are so completely enmeshed in the other person’s identity that they no longer have a self. If this is the case then it is the coach’s ethical responsibility to inform the client that they may require the specialist services of a relationship counsellor.
 
This not being the case and the client wanting to enrich what is already a healthy and well functioning relationship, then the coach can applaud this objective and begin the journey.
 
A Reality Check may be the starting point. And it would be beneficial to determine at what stage in their partnership the client is at and what is happening for them at this stage. Relationships go through developmental stages and there are challenges and opportunities at each stage.
 
These stages wear different labels but they basically are: the initial idealistic stage covering the first two years - often referred to in marriages as the honeymoon stage; the realistic stage – covering the 3rd through the 10th year – in which the task is to hang unto the relationship after reality strikes; the comfortable stage – covering the 11th through to the 25th years – in which the task is to maintain an individual identity along with a couple identity; the renewing stage- covering the 26th year to the 35th year in which the task is to rediscover intimacy after years of wear and tear; and the transcendent stage - the years thereafter in which the relationship transcends the tasks of the previous stages.
 
Most individuals seeking to improve their relationship will likely fall into one of the first three stages, and this can be explained to the client.
 
To continue the reality check the coach needs to determine the current state of the client’s relationship and what they feel they need to enhance in this relationship. Questions such as: “If you were the person that you wanted to be in this relationship, what kind of person would you be?” “Is there something missing in your relationship?” “What are you doing now to be the best partner possible?” What is stopping you from doing what you say you want to do?” “What do you see for yourself in this relationship now and in the future?” are the way forward.
 
These types of reality-based questions can start the client thinking about what it means to be a ‘better partner’ and how they can attain this objective.
 
The discussion so far serves as a background and the coach is now ready to introduce some more directive steps to help the client become the best partner possible. They could start by implementing a creative exercise in which the client produces (on paper) an image of themselves as the ideal partner.
 
This image can be represented in words, colours, a flowchart, a diagram or glued pictures and/or words cut from magazines or newspapers. Often clients are hesitant to draw as they are embarrassed by their lack of artistic skills - so cutting and gluing can be the answer.
 
This activity can take a while and often clients welcome the opportunity to continue the exercise at home. The end result becomes the starting point for verbalizing what this ideal partner looks like.
 
The visual depiction can lead into a discussion and such questions as “in this ideal picture what does the daily routine look like? If there are children what are your responsibilities? How do you relate to your extended family and your partner’s extended family? Are there any problems around finances? Is there fun in this relationship? How do you relax with your partner? And how is intimacy shared?” can add additional details to this picture.
 
For each aspect of the client’s relationship it becomes evident that there are certain criteria that have to be met and these are now systematically listed so as to become the client’s vision.
 
Now knowing what the client wants to happen the obvious step is to set goals. Before this however the coach may ask the client to undertake another activity to determine their values. The client is provided with a list of values from which they tick those that are important to them and then rate these values so that they have a list of their top five.
 
It is interesting to see what these values are and if the client’s vision supports these values. If not, then a new discussion explores the client’s reality once again. If values and vision are not in sync then the client works against themselves not only in their relationship but also in every avenue of their life.
 
Once there is a synchronicity between values and vision the client now begins translating the criteria necessary for them to become the best partner possible into goals. When looking at something as intimate as an interpersonal relationship it may sound a bit mechanical to work on goals, but if these goals are looked upon as practical steps to achieve the ‘Big Picture’ – an enriched relationship – this process is softened.
 
Goals are now set to fulfil all the needs listed and various strategies are introduced to help the client reach these goals. For example, if a goal is set for the client to undertake more chores in the daily routine then a time map may be implemented to help the client prioritise their time to allow this to happen.
 
If the client tends to have difficulties in maintaining a budget and thereby puts financial stress on the relationship then budgeting skills can be learned. If there are children and the client’s relationship is strained due to differences in parenting skills these skills can be taught along with basic communication skills and problem solving.
 
If the client wants to enjoy more quality time with their partner common interests can be discussed and introduced or reintroduced to the relationship. And if the client wants to bring the levels of intimacy to a higher level spiritual beliefs and ideologies can be explored.
 
The client has now taken the first steps towards becoming the best partner possible. As the client begins to feel the benefits of the changes they are introducing they will be motivated to continue this journey. For not only will they be enriching their relationship they will be enriching themselves as individuals.
 
Additional Reading:

• The Meaning of Intimacy
• Languages of Love
• Three Steps For Better Verbal Intimacy
• 7 Ways to Improve Intimacy in Your Relationship
• Romance, Intimacy and Conflict
• How Healthy Intimacy is Developed

A coaching client in his late teenage years approaches you with the following question: “I’d like to go to University, but I don’t think I could do the study. What should I do?” As his coach, what would you suggest? Zahava Starak, LCI Master Coach, answers…
 
Whether we are dealing with a young client fresh out of high school and ready to experience their next challenge or a mature age student who is pursuing studies after a stint in the workforce, the best place to start is by focusing on their reasons for wanting to go to university and how this studying will fit in with other activities in their life. With this information we can then devise the best strategies to enable them to start their studies with confidence and we can implement appropriate motivational tools to keep them focused.
 
Therefore, as with a majority of coaching clients, before we become too specific we will focus on our client’s big picture and ascertain which direction they are heading in and what their life will look like in the future, perhaps five years from now. To this end we could ask the client to write a letter to himself in the future, in which they actually describe what will be happening to them at this time. The letter serves as an impetus for our client to focus their thoughts on why they are seeking a university education and what the end goal is.
 
If we don’t want to use a tool we could just as easily sit comfortably with our client and ask them what they want to achieve with their studies and how their studies fit in with their life’s vision. Usually if clients have plans to study they have some idea of where they are heading and merely need a little encouragement to open up and share their dreams.
 
It might now also be advisable to explore what values our client holds to see if they will hinder or assist them in reaching their vision. A look at values will verify that the outcome goals that the client has in regards to their studies are in harmony with their personal values and will also determine what values the client has that could motivate them to study.
 
For example if the client’s top three values are fun, adventure and freedom they may experience some difficulty focusing on studies. If the client’s values include components such as discipline, hard work and personal growth it should be easier for the client to keep motivated once they start the process going. Either way this information can help us when motivating our client.
 
Throughout all our contacts and communications with our client we will always refer to their vision as it is the driving force. We know that our client wants to study - as their vision requires them to receive the knowledge, skill and competencies that a university education offers. Our role is to consistently keep this picture in our client’s mind as we work with them on overcoming the study barrier.
 
The client’s doubts about studying could be related to a number of factors - not having enough time to study, not knowing how to study or merely being in a state of procrastination.
 
To address the first case we need to find out what else is happening in our client’s life. Do they have a job and do they need to keep this job once they are studying? Do they have a social interest that requires regular attendance at meetings or events?
 
Are they a member of a sporting team and so are they committed to practice times and scheduled games? Are they in a relationship will they have further obligations and do they have the additional responsibilities of a parent?
 
Issues raised by these questions need to be carefully explored and it must be determined how realistic it is for our client to go to university. We might even need to consider part time studies or self paced studies if these options fit in better with the lifestyle of our client.
 
Once we are clear that our client’s goal to study at university is realistic and attainable, we can work with them in designing a timetable that will incorporate all aspects of their life while insuring enough time to attend classes and study. This timetable will clearly highlight specific timeslots and so if our client can stick to the plan they will not need to panic.
 
Next we can further assist our client in gaining the confidence to start university by providing them with some basic study hints. The timetable was a good starting point and now we can work on designating an area specifically for study. Everything that our client needs has to be easily accessible. Good lighting is important as is reduced distractions. If possible noise should be avoided. The study space need not be cold as a conducive ambience can go a long way in motivating our client.  
 
We can advise the client to have at hand highlighter pens and ‘post-it’ notes for highlighting key passages worth reviewing. They can record main points on an audio tape or digital file that can be replayed and listened to while doing household chores or driving. Summarising main points on a piece of paper or file card may also assist our client to retain key information.
 
We can further educate our client on the need to maintain good health habits while studying as this will keep their energy levels up and the adrenalin positively pumping. Relaxation and stretch exercises can be demonstrated as an accompaniment to regular physical exercise. Our client can be directed on healthy eating habits, specifically on appropriate snack foods to have at the ready while working on lengthy assignments.
 
Our client needs to be made aware that there is room for rewards and appropriate breaks in any study regime and that they can treat themselves to something special every now and them if they have maintained regular studies.
 
If our client is still hesitating to start their studies we can discuss with them any specific reasons they may have for procrastinating and we can explore the negative language that they are using to hold them back from taking up this challenge.
 
What is important now is to identify any doubts our client may have about their abilities and help them to change their perspective. “I can’t” language through NLP techniques and cognitive restructuring is changed to “I can” and “I want to”.
 
Our client is now empowered and we want to keep this motivation revving. In the long term our client needs to achieve their motivation internally and it is worth our while to discuss with them what they can do to keep their focus and remain motivated to achieve their goals. We can refer them back to their identified visions and goals as this can serve as a strong anchor whenever our client feels like they are getting lost. We can also help our client by explaining that goals are not set in stone and if they have to their goals can be modified or fine tuned – this might remove some unnecessary pressure.
 
We can also offer our client motivational resources in the form of tapes, books and screen savers with affirmations. If we have a favourite inspirational story or quote we can share it with our client while encouraging them to find messages that resonate with them. It is hoped that our client now knows what to do and will embark on their studies with a feeling of joy and excitement.

Becoming a couple is one of the most complex relationships in adulthood. It is also well known that being a couple can contribute to personal growth and self awareness (Long & Young, 2007). Romantic couples are a unique type of relationship that is different from friendships and family bonds because it is based on romantic love. The triangular love theory aims to define romantic love on the basis of three key characteristics being present. These three characteristics are: intimacy, passion and decision/commitment (Hendrick, 2004).
 
The intimacy component of the romantic relationship refers to feelings of closeness and connectedness. The passionate component refers to the drives that lead to romance, physical attraction, sexual consummation, and other such related phenomena in loving relationships. The decision–commitment component refers to, in the short term, the decision that one loves someone else, and in the long term, the commitment to maintain that love (Hendrick, 2004).
 
In today’s western based society there has been an ongoing increase in the freedom of choice in love and mate selection which has led to a diverse range of romantic couple formations (Long & Young, 2007). Economic and social changes also influence individuals on when, how and to whom they decide to become a romantic couple with. As a result, a traditional concept of marriage is no longer the only option of being a romantic couple. Some of the common categories of romantic couple relationships include:

1. Defacto/ Cohabitating relationships
2. Same sex relationships
3. Dating
4. Married  

In this article, we discuss some challenges romantic couples experience during the development of their relationship. Like most interpersonal relationships, most romantic couples experience some challenge at some point in their relationship.
 
Some of these common challenges may include infidelity, loss of intimacy, communication difficulties, coping with stress challenges, financial pressures, boundary violations, difficulty balancing individual and couple expectations, divorce, separation and breaking up.
 
Whatever the challenge, it is important to note that all dyadic relationships will experience some kind of distress at some point. For coaches providing relationship coaching services, it is useful to identify these common challenges when working with clients.
 
Infidelity
 
Infidelity is increasingly becoming one of the most common relationship challenges in romantic relationships. The acts of infidelity or cheating can have devastating consequences on those involved. Having been cheated on can result in anguish, depression, fury and humiliation (Brand, Markey, Mills & Hodges, 2007). It has been suggested that infidelity is one of the leading causes of divorce and romantic relationship breakdown (Brand, Markey, Mills & Hodges, 2007).
 
Generally, infidelity is a violation of trust by one or both members of a monogamous romantic relationship that involves a third party individual, with whom one member has an improper relationship. Zola (2007) defines infidelity as an act of emotional and/or physical betrayal characterised by behaviour that is not approved by the other partner and that has contributed to considerable ongoing distress in the non offending partner. Infidelity can be in the form of an emotional affair, a sexual affair or a combination of both. Traditionally, men are considered to be primarily interested in sexual infidelity and women are considered to be primarily interested in emotional infidelity (Zola, 2007).
 
Zola (2007) suggests that there has always been a greater emotional need or tie when it comes to women and affairs, while men tend to have an affair primarily for sex. One of the reasons given for women’s preference to emotional affairs is to “mate switch”. This refers to the quest of finding a partner without giving up the security derived from the current partner (Brand, Markey, Mills & Hodges, 2007). Infidelity prevalence rates vary according to gender with female incidents reported to be 10% to 15% lower than those of their male counterparts (Zola, 2007).
 
In resolving this matter, women are found to be more likely to forgive a sexual infidelity where as men find it the most difficult to forgive (Zola, 2007). In support for this argument, Long and Young (2007) suggest that men are more approving of affairs for sexual reasons where as women are more approving of affairs of emotional justification. It is not uncommon that couples who have experienced infidelity in their relationships experience challenges in their attempts to resolve relational problems associated with it. As such, infidelity is considered one of the most challenging issues to treat in couple therapy (Zola, 2007; Brand, Markey, Mills & Hodges, 2007).
 
Intimacy
 
The word intimacy has taken on sexual connotations. But it is much more than that. It includes all the different dimensions of our lives. It involves the physical, social, emotional, mental and spiritual aspects as well as sexual components that can enhance the feelings of togetherness between the romantic couple (Larson, Hammond & Harper, 1998). According to Sternberg’s theory of love, intimacy includes emotional bonding and feelings of connectedness. Sternberg suggests that intimacy develops during the course of the relationship and will usually include decisions of loyalty to the relationship (Long & Young, 2007).
 
Intimacy has also been conceptualised as a sense of self disclosure, sharing of one’s self and feeling closer to one’s partner. Intimacy is maintained by engagement in intimate conversation (Brunell, Pilkington & Webster, 2007; Kirby, Baucom & Peterman, 2005) and is considered a major part of romantic relationships. It is also an important factor for psychological wellbeing and is linked to positive and satisfying relationships (Brunell, Pilkington & Webster, 2007; Long & Young, 2007).
 
It is fair to assume that the quality of the romantic relationship will often be judged by the frequency of intimate interactions as perceived by each individual.  It is these unmet intimacy expectations that can often affect the relationship negatively and pose challenges for the couple (Kirby, Baucom & Peterman, 2005). Coaches dealing with loss of intimacy in romantic relationships should help clients develop trust and communication skills that can help to overcome barriers to intimacy.
 
Conflict
 
Conflict is part of any interpersonal relationship and occurs as a result of differences in opinions. People differ in values, dreams, desires and perceptions. Therefore, we are all bound to encounter conflict at some point in our lives (Long & Young, 2007). Conflict can range from less serious mild disagreements to more intensely heated arguments. Previous research has found that marital conflict often stems from unmet needs, wants, and desires. From this perspective, marital conflict is defined as a process of interaction in which one or both partners feel discomfort about some aspect of their relationship and try to resolve it in some manner (Hamamci, 2005).
 
When one person needs or wants something badly enough, and the other person is unwilling or unable to meet that need, resentment will often grow. Then, if one were to add the power of an unruly tongue, the situation will usually become ripe for very destructive forms of conflict. To look at it pragmatically, romantic relationship conflict will often happen when one member of the couple perceives inequity or experiences an imbalance in rewards or benefits from being in the relationship whereby it is perceived by one member of the couple that the other only cares about his/ her individual needs (Long & Young, 2007).
 
The negative consequences of conflict are probably familiar to all of us. Conflict can cause psychological pain that manifests in withdrawal and distance, depression, anxiety and/or aggression. Not only between the couple but also with those who are living around them (Choi, 2008). However, there are also constructive outcomes to conflict in romantic relationships. For instance, people who continue to relate to one another despite their conflict may build greater trust and confidence in each another and become more apt in their ability to resolve their problems (Johnson, 2007).
 
However, reoccurring conflict is usually a symptom of a problem in the romantic relationship and therefore should be addressed intentionally by the couple. The role of the coach, when dealing with couples who are experiencing conflict, is to help them identify the source of such conflict and its style to assist them in implementing skills to resolve the disagreements (Relationships Australia, 2009).
 
Communication
 
A good healthy romantic relationship is often characterised by good communication. Healthy couples speak openly and directly with congruent non verbal cues allowing them to convey the intended message accurately. Communication in romantic relationships connects and reassures partners and allows them to discuss and solve problems and share important information and views (Long & Young, 2007). Challenges occur when the messages we send to the other are misunderstood or misinterpreted. It is not uncommon when a couple experiences problems in their relationship, communication becomes broken (Long & Young, 2007).
 
Healthy, productive and effective communication is viewed as the binding tool for any romantic relationship. Problems and challenges in intimate relationships are often resolved through developing healthy, productive and effective communication. Therefore, the goal of enhancing communication skills may be a great starting point for the relationship coach.
 
Sexual Problems
 
Sexual intimacy is one of the most important factors in romantic relationships. It is one of the factors that differentiate a romantic relationship from any other interpersonal relationship. Sexual problems like all other problems in romantic relationships often develop as a result of an imbalance in the partner’s styles of loving (Long & Young, 2007). In the early stages of the relationship, it is common for couples to experience intense feelings of love, affection and a strong desire for one another.
 
As the relationship grows, external factors such as children and busy schedules can begin to have an impact on the sexual intimacy of the couple, often resulting in frustrations experienced by at least one member of the relationship. As the frustrations develop over time, problems may begin to surface.
 
Sometimes sexual challenges may occur as a result of sexual dysfunction. Sexual dysfunctions are characterised by psychosocial disturbances in sexual desire resulting in distress and interpersonal difficulty (APA, 2000). According to the DSM- IV-TR, some of the common sexual dysfunction disorders include sexual desire disorder, sexual arousal disorder, and orgasmic disorders. It is crucial for the coach to differentiate sexual problems from sexual dysfunctions in order to determine the appropriate referral when necessary. If sexual problems are an issue the coach can help clients explore options for achieving emotional and sexual intimacy in their relationships.
 
Substance Abuse
 
While substance abuse, particularly alcohol, has been associated with financial problems and health problems that contribute to relational distress, many people use it as a way of coping with the problems in their relationships. The first issue, of course, is money. Alcohol is expensive. Spending a great deal of money each day on alcoholic beverages is a serious problem that can put a great deal of strain on relationships.
 
Alcohol can cause people to become less sensitive to the feelings of others too. Alcohol can make it difficult for people to distinguish between the other person’s emotions, and thus they may make incorrect judgments that negatively impact their relationship with their partner (Sharf, 2001).
 
Time is an issue as well. Drinking is not a “one and done” type of activity. It can take hours out of the day, hours that could have been spent as a couple. The imposition on couple time from excessive drinking can cause partners to emotionally drift apart often resulting in problems within the dyadic relationship. Because of these and other factors, alcohol abuse has been singled out as a contributing factor to divorce, physical abuse and lowered marital satisfaction (Long & Young, 2007).
 
Divorce and Breaking Up
 
Divorce rates are increasing at an alarming rate. In Australia, 40% of marriages end up in divorce where as in USA, 50% of marriages end up in divorce (www.divorcerate.org). For romantic relationships that continuously experience high distress, low satisfaction and low relationship quality, at some point one partner or both come to a decision to end or terminate the relationship, if such challenges are not resolved.
 
According to ideas derived from social exchange theory, termination of marriages and romantic relationships will often occur as a result of costs exceeding rewards. If the individual perceives that they are not getting more than what they have invested in the relationship, this may lead to dissatisfaction with the relationship (Amato & Hohmann-Marriott, 2007).
 
Divorce and break up can be a difficult and painful experience for many. The termination of a relationship or divorce can affect an individual financially, socially, emotionally and psychologically (Long & Young, 2007). Feelings of depression, anxiety and other psychiatric disorders are often experienced during this time (Williams & Dunee-Bryant, 2006). The role of the coach is to assist and motivate clients through this life changing transition.
 
Source: www.mentalhealthacademy.com.au

A client has approached you with the following question: “What is a professional development plan and how do I develop one for myself?” Zahava Starak, LCI’s Master Coach, answers…

As a coach there is reason for excitement when you hear this kind of question as you know that you are working with a motivated client. This client seems to be aware that professional competence is not something that is attained in one experience and that life itself is a learning opportunity.
 
Professional development therefore can be defined as a process that ensures the continued competence of the individual in any field of expertise and encourages an ongoing commitment to the ethical principles of the profession in question.
 
Further it is important to note that the concept of learning is central to any professional development plan. So you the coach can now discuss with your client some insights into the various theoretical viewpoints as to how a person learns and share with them the commonly accepted definition that learning is a relatively persistent change in an individual’s possible behaviour due to experience.
 
It is our curiosity and desire to discover that motivates the learning process. And this is a good thing - for in order to be marketable in a knowledge based economy we have to become life long learners.
 
Consequently although your client has proficiency in certain areas learning need not stop and professional development is one way to ensure the continuation of the learning process. Whatever your client’s profession it is important that they continue to develop and refine their skills and keep up to date with new and emerging trends in their field of expertise.
 
This client can be applauded for wanting to further their professional learning and personal development. It will be by answering questions such as how do you learn best; what do you want to learn; what steps can you take to achieve this learning; that your client will develop their best plan.
 
As learning is one of the keys to an effective professional development plan, it may be a good idea to implement a Learning Style Questionnaire to help identify your client’s preferred learning style. By discovering this preference you will be able to seek out experiences that draw on this style and source out the type of learning events that provide the maximum benefits. In addition your client can also make a conscious attempt to practice techniques to improve their ability to learn from other styles.
 
To complete this questionnaire your client is presented with 80 statements. An example reads “I quickly get bored with methodical, detailed work”. Beside each statement your client indicates either agreement or disagreement. Scoring then indicates your client’s learning preference from four different styles: Activist; reflector; theorist; and pragmatist.
 
Here are two samples of these questionnaires: VARK and Learning Styles
 
Each style caters to specific qualities within the learner. It is therefore easy to list how a person with a particular style will learn best and what strategies can be applied to enhance their learning.
 
Activists like to experience the learning and learn best when there is an element of risk and they can ‘bounce off’ and become energised by others. Role play, competitive team work, chairing discussions and giving presentations are all ways to promote their optimum learning.
 
Reflectors like to think things through, listen and watch. They need time to mull things over. Journaling in which they can ponder over their learning experiences is a good strategy for them.
 
Theorists learn best from anything presented as part of a system, concept or theory. They like being intellectually stretched and enjoy time spent reading books and journals and preparing a synopsis of new information.
 
Pragmatists are practical application learners and gain the most when they can link theory and practical application.
 
As a result of completing this questionnaire you now know how your client learns best and can chose appropriate strategies to implement your client’s learning. The next step clearly is to answer the what.
 
What does your client need to learn to promote their professional development? A self review is in order. Your client can gain clarity from an understanding of who they really are and an insight into what they want from their work-life activities. Your client also needs to consider the actual requirements of their profession and the competencies to meet these requirements; the opportunities for advancement and criteria for promotion.
 
They need a clear picture as to where professional development fits in with personal development and lifestyle choices and a reality check on how much finances can be committed to any development plan.
 
To find answers to this “what” you can encourage your client to ask themselves such questions as:
 
“Have I looked at my needs and values recently?”
“Am I working towards satisfying as many as possible?”
“Is the job I have the one I really want and am I working towards what I really want?”
“Do I know all I need to know about the work I am in?”
 
If not then…
 
“What more do I need to learn?”
“What do I need to do to improve my career development skills?”
“Do I have a supportive group of friends who would encourage any career transition?”
“How will any professional development activity I undertake affect my lifestyle?”
 
The answers to these questions will determine the specific details of your client’s professional development plan and enable them to set learning objectives. They will know if their values are in sync with their present career path and if not, they will assess whether their first real step is to change their career. If career and values are supportive of each other, your client can then go on to determine what skills and capabilities they want to enhance in their present job and they can list the competencies required for promotion.
 
Now based on their learning style preferences they can explore professional development activities that will meet the set objectives. These activities include undertaking further course work; attending seminars, presentations and conferences; private reading programs such as professional journals and articles; mentoring or supervision with those more experienced in their field; facilitating relevant workshops, seminars or presentations; or writing articles for publication in professional books and journals.
 
With your assistance your client can tailor a plan to meet their needs using strategies which best meet their learning style. For example, your client may have indicated that they would like more understanding of marketing strategies. If your client is a theorist they may undertake a course of readings and prepare a report on their findings.
 
If they are a pragmatist they may chose to develop a marketing plan based on specific principles and see if it works. An activist may chose to join a marketing forum where they can bounce off ideas and a reflector will research date and diarise their thoughts on marketing concepts.
 
To complete your client’s professional development plan you might suggest that they also consider listing some ideas to enhance their personal development or self awareness as well as list strategies to reduce their stress levels and prevent burnout.
 
Such a plan is very comprehensive and promises your client not only an exciting learning experience but a healthy one as well.